From the gods: that I had good grandfathers, good parents, a good sister, good teachers, good household companions, relatives, and friends—almost all of them; and that I did not rush into wronging any of them, though I had a disposition from which I might, if circumstances had happened so, have done such a thing. It was the gods’ beneficence that no conjunction of circumstances arose that would have exposed me.
From the gods too: that I was not raised longer by my grandfather’s concubine; that I preserved the bloom of youth and did not become a man before the proper time, but even delayed it; that I was subject to a ruler and father who would strip away all my conceit and bring me to understand that one can live at court without guards, distinctive clothing, lamps, statues, and such display, but can contract one’s life almost to that of a private citizen without becoming meaner or more negligent toward the public duties that a ruler must perform.
That I had such a brother, able by his character to awaken me to care for myself and at the same time to delight me by his esteem and affection; that my children were neither dull nor physically misshapen; that I did not progress further in rhetoric, poetry, and other pursuits in which I might have become absorbed had I felt myself advancing well; that I promptly established my tutors in the honors they seemed to desire and did not put them off with hope for later, since they were still young; that I came to know Apollonius, Rusticus, and Maximus.
That I repeatedly formed a clear conception of what life according to nature is, so that, as far as depended on the gods and on gifts, assistance, and inspirations from there, nothing prevented me from living according to nature at once; though I still fall short through my own fault and through failing to preserve the gods’ reminders and almost direct teachings.
That my body endured so long in such a life; that I touched neither Benedicta nor Theodotus, and later, when caught in erotic passions, recovered; that though I was often angry with Rusticus, I did nothing further that I regretted; that although my mother was destined to die young, she nevertheless lived her last years with me; that whenever I wished to assist someone in poverty or some other need, I was never told I lacked the money, and that I myself never fell into a similar need to receive from another.
That my wife is so compliant, affectionate, and unaffected; that I had ample suitable tutors for my children; that remedies were given through dreams, especially for not spitting blood and not suffering vertigo; and that when I desired philosophy I did not fall into the hands of a sophist, settle down to writing treatises or analyzing syllogisms, or occupy myself with celestial speculation. For all these things require gods who help—and fortune.
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XIV. From the gods I received that I had good grandfathers, and parents, a good sister, good masters, good domestics, loving kinsmen, almost all that I have; and that I never through haste and rashness transgressed against any of them, notwithstanding that my disposition was such, as that such a thing (if occasion had been) might very well have been committed by me, but that It was the mercy of the gods, to prevent such a concurring of matters and occasions, as might make me to incur this blame. That I was not long brought up by the concubine of my father; that I preserved the flower of my youth. That I took not upon me to be a man before my time, but rather put it off longer than I needed. That I lived under the government of my lord and father, who would take away from me all pride and vainglory, and reduce me to that conceit and opinion that it was not impossible for a prince to live in the court without a troop of guards and followers, extraordinary apparel, such and such torches and statues, and other like particulars of state and magnificence; but that a man may reduce and contract himself almost to the state of a private man, and yet for all that not to become the more base and remiss in those public matters and affairs, wherein power and authority is requisite. That I have had such a brother, who by his own example might stir me up to think of myself; and by his respect and love, delight and please me. That I have got ingenuous children, and that they were not born distorted, nor with any other natural deformity. That I was no great proficient in the study of rhetoric and poetry, and of other faculties, which perchance I might have dwelt upon, if I had found myself to go on in them with success. That I did by times prefer those, by whom I was brought up, to such places and dignities, which they seemed unto me most to desire; and that I did not put them off with hope and expectation, that (since that they were yet but young) I would do the same hereafter. That I ever knew Apollonius and Rusticus, and Maximus. That I have had occasion often and effectually to consider and meditate with myself, concerning that life which is according to nature, what the nature and manner of it is: so that as for the gods and such suggestions, helps and inspirations, as might be expected from them, nothing did hinder, but that I might have begun long before to live according to nature; or that even now that I was not yet partaker and in present possession of that life, that I myself (in that I did not observe those inward motions, and suggestions, yea and almost plain and apparent instructions and admonitions of the gods,) was the only cause of it. That my body in such a life, hath been able to hold out so long. That I never had to do with Benedicta and Theodotus, yea and afterwards when I fell into some fits of love, I was soon cured. That having been often displeased with Rusticus, I never did him anything for which afterwards I had occasion to repent. That it being so that my mother was to die young, yet she lived with me all her latter years. That as often as I had a purpose to help and succour any that either were poor, or fallen into some present necessity, I never was answered by my officers that there was not ready money enough to do it; and that I myself never had occasion to require the like succour from any other. That I have such a wife, so obedient, so loving, so ingenuous. That I had choice of fit and able men, to whom I might commit the bringing up of my children. That by dreams I have received help, as for other things, so in particular, how I might stay my casting of blood, and cure my dizziness, as that also that happened to thee in Cajeta, as unto Chryses when he prayed by the seashore. And when I did first apply myself to philosophy, that I did not fall into the hands of some sophists, or spent my time either in reading the manifold volumes of ordinary philosophers, nor in practising myself in the solution of arguments and fallacies, nor dwelt upon the studies of the meteors, and other natural curiosities. All these things without the assistance of the gods, and fortune, could not have been.
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